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Recommended reading: Six skills for a Happier Marriage
Six Skills for a Happier Marriage
By Michael E. Cavanagh
(Reprinted from Catholic Update)

Many people who marry are ill-prepared for marriage. This is backed by an overwhelming amount of evidence. Four out of 10 marriages end in divorce, and this does not imply that the remaining six are healthy marriages. One recent study of couples married 45 years or longer found that 60 percent were so wretched that they could be judged clinically disturbed. In fact, the couples reported such bitterness that the researchers dreaded going to the interviews. In the United States, there are five million divorced Roman Catholics; approximately 37,000 marriages are annulled yearly.

Bruno Bettelheim, the noted child psychologist, wrote a book entitled Love is Not Enough. In it, he argued convincingly that children need much more than love to grow into reasonably happy and effective adults. The same is true for marriage. In addition to love, it is critically important that both partners possess the psychosocial skills to live an intimate, exclusive, lifelong commitment.

Marriage, like most institutions, is cradled by some seductive myths. One of the most seductive is that if people" really love" each other, they can overcome all obstacles. This is tantamount to believing that if a person "really loves" music and works hard at it, he or she will develop the skills to become an accomplished musician.

Indeed marital love can be seriously frustrated and undermined if it does not rest on the psychosocial skills necessary to allow marriage to work. These skills are learned from birth and allow people to relate with themselves and others in ways that maximize satisfaction in life and minimize unnecessary conflict. The particular skills that are basic to a good marriage should be taking shape by five years of age and added to and reinforced later in childhood and adolescence so that they have reached a point of reasonable strength and stability by the time a person marries.

In other words, marriage preparation begins at birth-not with a course on marriage, pre-Cana conferences, or a heart-to-heart talk before the wedding. If a marriage relationship is to survive and grow, the couple must possess the following six skills.

1. Developing an authentic sense of self esteem
People who have authentic self-esteem are generally secure, honest, effective, kind and freeing. They recognize these qualities in themselves and consequently possess a healthy sense of self-respect and self-love. They feel good about themselves and allow their spouses to feel good about themselves. Since they have nothing to hide, they can allow people to get close to them. Because they possess a healthy self-love, they can share this love freely with their spouse.

While some people have authentic self-esteem, others possess inauthentic or poor self-esteem. People with inauthentic self-esteem lack the personal qualities mentioned above so they erect a positive facade. For example, they present a facade of security when, deep down, they feel inadequate, or of kindness when, deep down, they are actually self-serving.

While these fronts reduce anxiety for the individuals themselves and cause others to view them positively, they create several problems. First, hidden insecurity or selfishness, for example, does not disappear but seeps into their relationships in indirect, confusing ways. Second, facades prevent intimacy because the purpose of such walls is to keep people at a distance. Third, facades intercept love; that is, these people realize, at least on a deeper level, that whatever love they receive cannot be absorbed because it was meant for their facade and not for them.

Problems become compounded when two people with facades marry. If the masks remain in place, the distance will create loneliness; if they wear down, the people risk being disappointed with each other. ("He´s not the man I married.")

2. Building a clear, strong, flexible sense of self
Healthy self-esteem is a good place to start building psychosocial skills but a poor place to finish. In addition to self-esteem, people need a clear sense of who they are and what they need to grow. To these people, the highest priority is personal growth because they realize that if they fail to develop as a whole human being, they will be of no help to themselves or others.

Their growth involves three priority needs: to maintain and increase the qualities that underlie self-esteem (such as honesty and kindness); to direct their lives with a reasonable degree of freedom (for example, to make their own decisions, rather than being unduly influenced by the needs or opinions of others); and to relate with people who are willing alld able to share respect, honesty and affection, in contrast to people unable or unwilling to relate on these levels.

A strong sense of self means that people try- to prevent anything or anyone from interfering with the fulfillment of these needs. They don´t permit secondary needs (to feel secure, needed, important, attractive or sexually fulfilled) to interfere with or replace priority needs. For example, Mark plans to terminate a relationship in which, although he is receiving a good deal of satisfaction, he is not permitted to be a free person. Emily intends to break up with a man who gives her great security and flurries of affection, but does not permit her to be totally honest and treats her with less than appropriate respect.
A flexible sense of self means that people recognize that it is unrealistic to march through life on a steady diet of need fulfillment. Consequently, they are willing to temper and compromise their needs in the face of the equally valid needs of their spouse.

People with an unclear sense of self are unaware of who they are or what they need; hence, they flounder about in relationships or passively settle down with a "psychological sculptor"-a person who molds them into a caricature of him or herself.

Individuals with a clear but weak sense of self have a relatively clear picture of who they are and what they need to grow but lack the ability to assert themselves. Consequently, they typically defer to the needs of others, especially to those from whom they desire love. As a result, they become increasingly weak psychologically because they do not receive their daily requirement of psychological vitamins. While a spouse may enjoy the person´s "selfless" behavior, he or she doesn´t enjoy the accompanying psychological symptoms, such as overdependency or depression.

People with a clear, strong, but inflexible sense of self have a clear identity and assert themselves, but they are typically too rigid to negotiate or compromise. As a result, their "my way or the highway" attitude generates continual conflict or reduces their spouse to a junior partner or servant.

3. Fostering a healthy psychosexual development
Psychosexual development evolves around attitudes towards three issues: one´s own sexuality, the opposite sex and sexuality itself.

Attitudes toward one´s own sexuality encompass feelings about one´s body, gender and sexual behavior. People with a healthy attitude toward their sexuality are knowledgeable about their bodies and feel personally and socially comfortable with them. They are happy to be the gender they are and accept their sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviors as appropriate and healthy aspects of their development when, in fact, they are. When these people marry, they are ready to begin a comfortable, pleasurable and mutually satisfying sexual relationship.

People with unhealthy attitudes toward their sexuality are uninformed about it and feel personally and/or socially uncomfortable with their bodies. They wish that they were a different gender (or neuter) and repudiate their sexual reactions when it is inappropriate to do so. When these people marry, they must begin to develop a healthy sexuality from scratch, which can be embarrassing and frustrating, especially if the person´s partner is sexually mature. Another problem that can arise, and which is being seen with increasing frequency, is that a person comes to the realization that he or she is homosexual or bisexual, creating a significant stress in the marriage.

Individuals with a healthy attitude toward the opposite sex view opposite-sexed people more as human beings than as specifically males or females. They do not harbor prejudicial attitudes toward the opposite sex but relate to each person according to his or her own merits. Those with unhealthy attitudes toward the opposite sex, however, possess preconceived notions about them. A woman may believe that men
are likely to be insensitive, immature, unreliable, macho and sexually preoccupied; a man may believe that women are likely to be emotional, naive, manipulative, capricious and clinging.

The person who harbors such preconceived ideas is unduly wary of the opposite sex and treats them with caution which hinders intimacy. When problems arise in marriage, the person is likely to heap all the blame on the other with the simplistic accusation that his or her spouse is a "typical man" or a "typical woman," instead of dealing with the real issues involved. For example, David may communicate to his wife, Karen, that she seems far more comfortable criticizing him than affirming him. Karen retorts, "Your problem is that you are a typical man who needs his male ego massaged every once in a while," when, in fact, he may have a legitimate point. Or Nancy, who is tired of being a "golf widow," communicates this to jim, who responds: "You´re just a typical woman who confuses being married to a man with owning him," even though her concern may be appropriate.

In the area of sexuality itself, people with a healthy attitude are likely to describe sex as: pleasurable, loving, fun, relaxing, beautiful, exciting or warm. Those with an unhealthy attitude are unlikely to think about sex and, when they do, describe it as embarrassing, dirty, repulsive, silly, stressful, base or sinful. In their marriages, sexual relations are avoided or are sources of discomfort and conflict.

People can also have an overemphasis on sex and an under-emphasis on the person or the overall relationship. For these individuals, sex is driven, distracting and unintegrated, causing them to marry mostly for sex and to define the quality of their marriage almost solely on the basis of their sexual relationship.

4. Attaining psychological autonomy
While others may add significantly to their lives, psychologically autonomous individuals do not depend on a particular person or group of people to survive and to be reasonably happy. They are appropriately selective about the people they date and marry and they abandon relationships that become destructive. Individuals who lack such self-sufficiency are like starving people-what and where they eat is dictated by necessity instead of free choice. As a result, the decisions they make regarding whom they date and marry are poor and often turn out regrettably.

Although autonomous individuals listen to and seriously consider other´s ideas, in the last analysis they make their own decisions and assume responsibility for them. For instance, while they may appreciate the experience and good intentions of their parents, they do not allow their parents to unduly influence them in their marital decisions. While they appreciate the customs of society and the wisdom of the Church, they recognize that it is they who must ultimately make their decisions and live with them. Moreover, such people appreciate and value autonomy and, consequently, allow their spouse to be autonomous. They communicate their needs and values to their spouses, but they don´t reduce them to puppets or manipulate them into behaving in ways detrimental to their welfare.

Autonomous people are likely to choose a spouse based on sound reasoning and free choice; to make decisions based on the good of the relationship rather than external influences; and to free their spouse to grow toward self-actualization.

People who lack autonomy are likely to choose a spouse on the basis of fear or default; to make decisions based on the need to conform, to be obedient or to please; and to view their spouse as a crutch instead of a separate and free human being.

5. Improving your ability to communicate effectively
How well people communicate significantly affects the health of their marriage. Effective communication means communicating immediately, honestly, clearly and constructively.

Immediately means that significant ideas and feelings are shared as soon as it is practical and prudent. Barbara may not find it practical to respond in the midst of preparing dinner to something her husband, Jeff, just said, nor may Jeff find it prudent to respond to Barbara in front of the children. Immediate does not always mean "right now," but it always means within the same day.

People who do not communicate effectively either procrastinate about sharing significant ideas and feelings or never share them. Concerns and feelings then become bottled up, causing distance in the relationship and a tendency to blow up as the tension incubates and festers. Moreover, failing to communicate Ls unfair to the other partner because, when not apprised of the problem, he or she is not in a position to be helpful.

Honestly means that communication is absolutely honest, in contrast to "almost completely honest" or dishonest. If Mary Jo is to be an effective communicator, she must say to Steve: "I notice that you´re increasingly late coming home from work, and this causes me to wonder if you are avoiding coming home for some reason." If she were a less effective communicator, she might say, "When you come home late, I have to prepare two separate meals. Can´t you bring home the work and do it after supper?" This communication will lead to a discussion of the nature of Steve´s work but not the nature of Mary Jo´s fears, which is the critical issue.
Clearly means that the message is communicated simply and briefly. Most messages, even the most serious and profound, can be worded in one simple sentence. For example, Bob says to his wife, Pat: "I think you may not be allowing Susan the freedom that a 17-year-old girl needs." A person who communicates less clearly beats around the bush, drops subtle hints or presents a message in such a convoluted way that its th rust is lost.

Constructively means that the messages are made as palatable

as possible. For instance, Pat responds, "Well, I know what you´re saying, but I do think there is another side to the issue that we need to discuss." If she were a less effective communicator, Pat might say, "It really bugs me that you leave the parenting to me and then sit back and criticize me when you don´t like how I´m doing it." This reply will generate a discussion (fight) that will leave the original and certainly legitimate issue untouched.

6. Achieving psychological maturity
Psychological maturity is important, both in terms of the decision to marry and the ability to live out a marriage successfully. When people are psychologically immature, both the authenticity of their decision to marry and the likelihood of their growing in marriage are questionable.

It is necessary to distinguish between two types of immaturity: that caused by a developmental lag and that caused by a developmental fixation. A developmental lag implies that a person´s level of maturity is falling a short distance behind his or her chronological age, but with time and experience the gap will be closed.

Carrie, for example, possesses a bit more selfishness than would be expected in a 22-year-old woman about to marry. This may be manifested in wanting her way more than half the time and expecting her boyfriend to meet her needs more than she is willing to meet his. Because the degree of selfishness is not dramatic, one may reasonably expect that it will be tempered with altruism as the relationship grows.

A developmental fixation means that an individual´s personality growth has become stuck at a much earlier stage, in at least one or more areas of development. In other words, although a person may be chronologically an adult, his or her ways of seeking attention or expressing emotions, willingness to stick with difficult situations, and self-centeredness are equivalent to those seen in normal children between certain ages.

For example, 22-year-old Greg´s selfishness is very similar to that seen in 14-year-old boys. He spends the vast majority of his free time with his friends and hobbies and relates to his fiancee only when he "has" to or when she can do something for him. Greg wishes to marry her because then he can combine the best of both worlds: the freedom of single life and the pleasures and comforts of marriage. He and the marriage will run into significant difficulties, however, when he is expected to share, not only in the pleasurable aspects of marriage, but also in the responsibilities, mutuality and hard work.

When people are developmentally fixated, professional help is often necessary because the passage of time and the accumulation of experience do not seem to touch them. Simply suggesting that these individuals wait for six months or a year before they marry is unlikely to bring about the desired results.

Below are some additional examples or indications of immaturity in people who are planning to marry or who are already married. One cannot tell simply by the presence of these characteristics whether the individual is experiencing a developmental lag or a developmental fixation.
Craving for attention and affection. Individuals with this type immaturity require continuous, unconditional love. When they fail to get it, they sulk, punish their partner or seek it from another, inappropriate source.

Emotional inappropriateness. This characteristic is seen in people who under- or over-respond to emotional stimuli and use emotions to manipulate others. For example, they may fail to express anger constructively when it would be appropriate and helpful to do so or they over express anger, communicating it with such harshness and force that it compounds rather than solves problems. They may use joy or displeasure to manipulate others. ("It would make me deliriously happy if you didn´t go away to school," or "If you go away to school, I´ll be so depressed I don´t know what I´ll do. ")

Jealousy and possessiveness. People showing these traits wan to be the sale source of fulfillment and joy in their partner´s life and resent it when they are not.

Some final points
Unfortunately, we typically begin to prepare people for marriage after they become engaged. The problem with this is that people who are in the throes of romantic love often are not expert eyewitnesses to the reality at work within themselves, their partner or their relationship.

The time to begin learning the skills necessary for marriage is at birth. While it is true in theory that people can develop these skills after they are married, in practice the chances are easily as good that this won´t occur. A person who lacks one or
two of the above-mentioned skills to a rather insignificant degree could reasonably expect to learn them during the marriage. However, if a person is lacking one skill to a significant degree, the chances of eventually acquiring it in marriage are not particularly good. If more than one of the skills is absent to a significant degree, the prospect for a reasonably healthy marriage is quite poor. It is unrealistic to view marriage as a substitute for 20 years of learning or for psychotherapy.

Finally, it is important to realize that the skills discussed above are not ideals, but for a reasonably satisfying marriage. One need not be a paragon of psychological health in order to marry, any more than one needs to be a medical expert to become a physician. However, in both cases, a very sound foundation is necessary if the venture is to be satisfying for all concerned.

Michael E. Cavanagh has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Ottawa in Ontario, Canada. In addition to his private practice, he is a professor at the University of San Francisco and a columnist for several diocesan newspapers. His latest publications are Make Your Tomorrow Better and The Counseling Experience. With his wife and four children, he lives in Belvedere-Tiburon, California. This an adaptation of an article appearing in St. Anthony Messenger (November 1982).

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